I Owe Alabama an Apology

I have always said that Alabama exists to make Tennessee look good. Cross the state line, set your clocks back 20 years. Insert your own Alabama joke here. This was before I drove the length of Georgia on my way to the Everglades. Alabama, I apologize. You may be backwoods, but you are no Georgia. 

I-75 is pockmarked with billboards. To amuse myself on this very long road trip, I started paying close attention to the billboards. Leaving aside the billboards advertising hotels, gas stations and restaurants, the overwhelming majority of billboards along the interstate in Georgia are about “getting rid of liberals”, abortion and massage parlors/strip clubs.  Apparently, Georgia is overrun with people who frequent sex parlors and strip clubs that get girls knocked up and that are just ripe for being marketed to via the billboard. I’m not sure what liberals have to do with this, but maybe they oppose people going to sex parlors and knocking up girls.

You have many options available to let someone love you long time in Georgia

Once you are done fornicating, it’s time to deal with that unplanned pregnancy:

Apparently, abortion accounts for 20 percent of Georgia's GDP because abortion billboards account for most of the billboards

Then, for some unknown reason, the liberals must be removed from Georgia. This was next to an abortion billboard:

Apparently, communists oppose easy abortion and strip clubs in Georgia because Jody Hice wants Obama out.

So if you are a communist-hating, strip club patron who likes to knock women up and/or you like to have abortions after fornicating, Georgia looks perfect for you. For the rest of us, close your eyes and think of baseball.

l have always wanted my own aircraft carrier

A lawyer I know (and don’t like) regaled a captive crowd with tales of his new RV at a miserable continuing education event I recently endured. Presumably, he intends to drive very slowly in the left lane, annoying everyone behind him because he’s like that. He also still wears his high school class ring. But I digress.

The lure of the RV, if there is one other than knowing you can drive it unashamedly in national parks while wearing darks socks with sandals and a wifebeater, is that it is a truly portable home. You can drive to a location full of old people (like say Arizona or Florida) and park and stay as long as you like. If you end up parked next to a jerk,  there is something really awesome about being able to walk over to your annoying neighbor,then  knocking on his door and saying to his face  “I wish you and your entire extended family pain and suffering on Christmas” and then driving off permanently into the sunset. If I could lift my house and bail out now, the old bag and her dim-witted slob of a grandson next door would get an earful immediately.  

It occurs to me, though,  that the RV is not a solution to my undersirable neighbor problem. I have for years longed for 25 acres complete with a house with a double-gallery porch, an allee of live oaks, a rocking chair, a mint julep and a shotgun to keep the undesirables (basically everyone) away. What I really need is an aircraft carrier.  Park it offshore and hole up. No one is going to fuck with an aircraft carrier. Of course, aircraft carriers are in short supply. Troy says you can buy anything on line, so I googled ‘aircraft carrier for sale’. Voila:

Your own private floating island with an airstrip - and guns. Sweet.

Troy points out it has no engines because he is a killjoy. I guess we’ll just let it float and see where it takes us, but ‘Invincible’ might be an unfortunate name for a very large boat without engines. Maybe we could rename it. Like the ‘HMS Giant Fucking Catfish or something’. While fun, naming this the ‘Minnow’ seems a bit diminuitive, and also gets that song stuck in my head. Then I read the fine print. “Cannot be used for warlike purposes”.  Excuse me? Isn’t the point to owning an aircraft carrier to use it for potentially warlike purposes? If I had this, I would totally sneak up on Gulf Shores, Alabama, and stage pirate raids to kidnap people and hold them hostage until the the State of Alabama publicly apologizes for being Alabama. And also, for Cam Newton.