Fashion crisis: drown or look bad

Under the best of circumstances, clothing for active women with a substantial chest is difficult to find.  Flat-chested nymphs who wander the earth with six-pack abs doing yoga and prancing about in tiny sports bras can officially kiss my ass.  Those of us who tend more to the DD size range understand the trauma of shopping for sportswear and yes, tiny flat-chested women, we do hate you.

I kayak. Kayaking in certain conditions requires that anyone with a brain wear a lifejacket.

This is what the Coast Guard says I should wear.

Now let’s talk about Exhibit A, my boobs:

Seriously? This is supposed to pass as functional for a kayaker?

Sweet Jesus on a breadstick. It looks like I have taped a red backpack to my tits. I am not amused.

Thanks Lifejacket manufacturer. Now I can look like a giant slut because my boobs are squeezed upward by the foam packed into the jacket and strapped tightly to my ribs.

I won’t drown, but I look like the fucking stay-puft marshallow man in red.

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11 Responses to Fashion crisis: drown or look bad

  1. Jen says:

    A push-up life vest? GENIUS! I avoid the water at all costs but still feel that I must own this.

  2. It’s kind of like a corset made of unflattering foam. Since you run all the time and are probably way skinny, the padding will not make you look bad. I will be happy to mail it to you, but if you post a picture of yourself looking fabulous in it, I will just slit my wrists.

  3. mistyslaws says:

    Yes, I share your hatred of all of those skinny bitches. But, as with all things, you know those jackets were created by a man. Which is ironic, because men pretty much think of boobs all day long, so you would at least think it would have entered his foolish man-mind that there might be some breasticles in the equation, right? Pfft. I say drown. Do you really want to survive if you look silly? Priorities, woman!

  4. Whenever I need to feel inadequate, I go look at the Athleta catalog. Then I have a cookie and laugh at the flat-chested bitches. I think I may have to go with you on the drown thing. It’s just not terribly functional and man, it is butt ass ugly. Jen seems to be interested in the push up aspect so I’ll just send it to her.

  5. bschooled says:

    HA! Are you kidding me? Do you realize how many guys would jump into the freezing waters to save you? It’s like a guaranteed life saver…

  6. Jerry says:

    I don’t know. Most guys aren’t used to seeing women walking around with exterior bras….it would certainly draw some attention.

  7. David says:

    Wellllll … you could just ditch the sillysuit altogether and take Baxter. Let him answer the call of his ancestry!! And kayaking in tandem sure makes for a cute mental image.

    Then again, the logistics and overall impracticality might largely defeat the purpose of the sanity break.

    Hope you had fun!

  8. Wag the Dad says:

    So boobs themselves are not buoyant?

    you so have a great product idea. it’s right there. sieze it.

  9. Brett Minor says:

    Could someone invent some type of life preserver bra? That with a jacket that covers the back should do the trick..

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