I have no reason to live

I have long subscribed to the theory that I am bulletproof and immortal. This despite multiple orthopedic surgeries which I have largely lumped under the heading “design defects” which have no real impact on my immortal status.  So on Monday when I could not stand up straight due to stabbing pain in my stomach, I forced myself to visit the doctor. Since I had spit up blood and no one having met me could ever accuse me of wasting away from consumption, it was a fair guess that I likely had an ulcer. I’m no rocket scientist (I went to law school which pretty much excludes extra smart people), but it kind of seemed obvious that this was an ulcer since I don’t have a flask in my desk drawer and despite my claims that my liver fled to live with Keith Richards years ago where it’s less toxic, my drinking days are largely now the stuff of myth.  The ER doc was less than amused by my self-diganosis and insisted on “tests”.

The tests included the following:

1) Stabbing me repeatedly in both arms and hands (which sucks epicly) attempting to take blood.

2) Realizing I am a lawyer and have no blood.

3) Stabbing me again for good measure because the nurse just realized I’m a lawyer.

In the end, the learned doctor determined I have an ulcer.  Thank you Captain Obvious. Aside from forcing me to take medicines, he laid down the following edicts:

1. No alcohol. I argued that no self-respecting lawyer can make it through to Friday without a martini?. He did not care about my problems.

2. No chocolate. I protested this was un-American and he told me to suck it up.

3. No caffeine. I attempted to rebel at the thought of no morning Red Bull, but could not stand up straight to kick him in the balls.

The end result of this is that I have survived for an entire four days on entirely healthy, non-caffeinated substances. I would cheerfully roll a nun for a Red Bull right now. They tell me this is part of a “lifestyle change”. I’m not sure I see a continued reason for living without caffeine, chocolate and vodka.

I am one step away from “Help I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up“.

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6 Responses to I have no reason to live

  1. mels says:

    your a looney toon

  2. Jerry says:

    OK — I can understand the no drinking part….and the no caffeine, well I would cheat on that part. But chocolate? I think the doctor is part of a religious cult or something. Ulcers come from stress. Stress comes from no caffeine or chocolate. Case settled.

    • I have been good for an entire week now. I no longer froth at the mouth when I pass a cooler full of caffeinated substances. Existing without caffeine was completely inconceivable ten days ago. I think I’d rather give up heroin.

  3. cindy synchronize says:

    i too have no reason to live. i had it all and lost it all. my love, home, car, job, friends are all gone. i’m 54 and now live with my elderly mother. my ex is with someone else now. they got together a week after we broke up. we were together for 10 years. i had a bad year with depression/anxiety after surgery intubation screwed up my vocal cords. i WAS a singer/songwriter and this devastated me. i couldn’t shake the anxiety/depression and they couldn’t take it anymore and we broke up. it’s been almost 9 months and i still can barely function. i can’t eat or sleep. i have no friends now. i just don’t want to live like this any longer. i used to be a happy, fun-loving person. now i don’t recognize the person i see in the mirror. i’ve lost 30 pounds and look like i’ve aged 10 years. i can’t continue living this way. there’s NO work in this god-forsaken town that i left when i was 17. i can’t believe this has happened to me. why? i have nothing to live for and don’t care about anything anymore. i just want to die. i think about suicide every day. i know it would devastate my mother or i would have killed myself already. wishing i would die in my sleep-when i CAN sleep. there is no god. this can’t have happened to me but it did. i am so lost and alone.

    • Cindy, I think you need someone to step in and give you a hand as it sounds like you are suffering from severe depression. Suicide is not an OK thing and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Please please please find someone to talk to. Pick up the phone and call your doctor, your friend, anyone. I am just a travel blogger that keeps a little journal and I was whining to my friends about not being able to eat or drink anything because of an ulcer. What you are talking about is very different. I don’t know who you are or where you are, but I can assure you, even a total stranger like me thinks you have a reason to live. I do care and I do not want to see anyone give up.

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