l have always wanted my own aircraft carrier

A lawyer I know (and don’t like) regaled a captive crowd with tales of his new RV at a miserable continuing education event I recently endured. Presumably, he intends to drive very slowly in the left lane, annoying everyone behind him because he’s like that. He also still wears his high school class ring. But I digress.

The lure of the RV, if there is one other than knowing you can drive it unashamedly in national parks while wearing darks socks with sandals and a wifebeater, is that it is a truly portable home. You can drive to a location full of old people (like say Arizona or Florida) and park and stay as long as you like. If you end up parked next to a jerk,  there is something really awesome about being able to walk over to your annoying neighbor,then  knocking on his door and saying to his face  “I wish you and your entire extended family pain and suffering on Christmas” and then driving off permanently into the sunset. If I could lift my house and bail out now, the old bag and her dim-witted slob of a grandson next door would get an earful immediately.  

It occurs to me, though,  that the RV is not a solution to my undersirable neighbor problem. I have for years longed for 25 acres complete with a house with a double-gallery porch, an allee of live oaks, a rocking chair, a mint julep and a shotgun to keep the undesirables (basically everyone) away. What I really need is an aircraft carrier.  Park it offshore and hole up. No one is going to fuck with an aircraft carrier. Of course, aircraft carriers are in short supply. Troy says you can buy anything on line, so I googled ‘aircraft carrier for sale’. Voila:

Your own private floating island with an airstrip - and guns. Sweet.

Troy points out it has no engines because he is a killjoy. I guess we’ll just let it float and see where it takes us, but ‘Invincible’ might be an unfortunate name for a very large boat without engines. Maybe we could rename it. Like the ‘HMS Giant Fucking Catfish or something’. While fun, naming this the ‘Minnow’ seems a bit diminuitive, and also gets that song stuck in my head. Then I read the fine print. “Cannot be used for warlike purposes”.  Excuse me? Isn’t the point to owning an aircraft carrier to use it for potentially warlike purposes? If I had this, I would totally sneak up on Gulf Shores, Alabama, and stage pirate raids to kidnap people and hold them hostage until the the State of Alabama publicly apologizes for being Alabama. And also, for Cam Newton.

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4 Responses to l have always wanted my own aircraft carrier

  1. Beth says:

    I like the ending. They should apoligize for Cam Newton, but he wasn’t birthed there. Still, they gave him the job….

  2. Tarin says:

    I can SO relate to your neighbor problems! I’d say that was one of the, if not the, best things about selling our house and moving! Of course, we still ended up with an obnoxious neighbor, but I’m holding out hope that he won’t be around too much longer.

  3. Our neighbor keeps not one, but two, pitbulls on chains in the back yard. His grandmother, who owns the place and whose war-bride English is not good after all these years, refers to these dogs as “lassies”, as in the sentence ‘they fight like cats and lassies’. They fight all the time. I pray daily for a murder-suicide because I am a terrible person.

  4. Dan says:

    Jean, you need to name names about the lawyer so we can all laugh at him. Or email me so I can laugh at him.

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