Glacier National Park, part deux

I saw a headline today that said that Tennessee as a state is the 5th laziest state in the United States. This makes me want to work harder at slacking. I loathe sweating and if I feel a bead of sweat rolling down my ass crack, it’s a pretty safe bet I am unhappy. This is why it continues to mystify my friends that I go to national parks for vacations where I swear I am going to hike. Part of it is being married to a guy who thinks a 12 mile hike at high altitude is a fun day and not wanting to look like the complete slacker I am.  I blame the rest on the Title Nine catalog.  If you buy the clothes, clearly you can do the hike.  Consumerism creates delusional behavior.

Unlike normal people who see a photo of a beautiful mountain scene and admire the beauty, I look at it and think, I could train to get in shape to climb that mountain and then my obnoxiously fit husband could kiss my ass the next time he makes some comment about how I use the cross trainer to hang wet bras out to dry.

If you buy the right shoes, you can definitely hike to Grinnell Glacier, even if you drive to the corner market rather than walk.

There is one major problem with hiking in the mountains. It’s the word “mountains”. Mountains are steep. Steep is hard to walk up without sweat running down your ass crack and I hate sweating. I much prefer the kind of hiking that’s suitable for old people. If the trail is groomed enough for someone to ride a Rascal scooter on, I am all over it.

Even better, take awesome pictures of Goose Island on St Mary Lake 10 feet from your car

There is another problem with mountains. Mountains are cold. They have ice and snow. Second to sweating, I hate freezing. Glacier National Park is named after glaciers. Glaciers are moving giant fields of ice. Ice is cold.

This is Grinnell Glacier. It is cold. Troy hiked here to take this picture as I had nothing to do with the actual taking of this photo

Troy hiked to Grinnell Glacier. He said it was very cool and the alpine valleys were scenic. For all I know, he went to the bar and had someone photoshop the picture, but he swears he hiked there.

Troy at Grinnell Glacier. Note the awesome hiking stick.

He may have hiked 6 miles up to Grinnell Glacier, but I staggered out of the car and up a field to take this picture of wildflowers at Many Glacier. Troy will never pick up chicks hiking to glaciers. We want flowers, not hunks of glacial ice.

Just as scenic, 40 degrees warmer and no difficult hike.

I hiked to St Mary Falls to prove I was not a total loser. It is beautiful. I sat on the rocks and contemplated tossing Troy over the edge into the roiling waters for taking this picture. If Chaka Khan was a white girl with flaming red hair and she hiked in Glacier National Park, this is what she would probably look like.

Photographic proof that I was there for my doubters

Note my awesome hiking pants. They are not quite as cool as Chuck Norris action jeans, but they are close.

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4 Responses to Glacier National Park, part deux

  1. Kathy Lawrence says:

    I actually have a huge print taken by a professional of St.Mary’s Lake with Goose Island hanging in my family room. I admire you for showing Troy you could do the hike. Glacier is extremely cold going up to the mountains and like you, I just about froze to death.

  2. Shayna Abrams says:

    Clearly I will not be going to Glacier National Park, ever. Though I am ok with sweating, I am not a fan of cold and really see no purpose to hiking. I mean thanks to people like Troy I can see what any national park looks like in beautiful color from the photos without ever moving my fat ass from my temperature controlled home. The last time I hiked anywhere was 11 years ago up Mt. Sinai, which at 3:00 am was too cold for me. Brian and I went to the Grand Canyon 4 years ago, but in lieu of hiking we just bought t-shirts at the gift shop and went back for massages at our plush hotel.

  3. Sara Bellum says:

    I am still disappointed that you did not join a militia while in Montana, but your pictures are almost pretty enough to make me feel better.

  4. Pingback: Funny Bitch Friday: BloggerToBeNamedLater « Oh Noa.

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