Glacier National Park, part deux
July 26, 2010 4 Comments
I saw a headline today that said that Tennessee as a state is the 5th laziest state in the United States. This makes me want to work harder at slacking. I loathe sweating and if I feel a bead of sweat rolling down my ass crack, it’s a pretty safe bet I am unhappy. This is why it continues to mystify my friends that I go to national parks for vacations where I swear I am going to hike. Part of it is being married to a guy who thinks a 12 mile hike at high altitude is a fun day and not wanting to look like the complete slacker I am. I blame the rest on the Title Nine catalog. If you buy the clothes, clearly you can do the hike. Consumerism creates delusional behavior.
Unlike normal people who see a photo of a beautiful mountain scene and admire the beauty, I look at it and think, I could train to get in shape to climb that mountain and then my obnoxiously fit husband could kiss my ass the next time he makes some comment about how I use the cross trainer to hang wet bras out to dry.
There is one major problem with hiking in the mountains. It’s the word “mountains”. Mountains are steep. Steep is hard to walk up without sweat running down your ass crack and I hate sweating. I much prefer the kind of hiking that’s suitable for old people. If the trail is groomed enough for someone to ride a Rascal scooter on, I am all over it.
There is another problem with mountains. Mountains are cold. They have ice and snow. Second to sweating, I hate freezing. Glacier National Park is named after glaciers. Glaciers are moving giant fields of ice. Ice is cold.
Troy hiked to Grinnell Glacier. He said it was very cool and the alpine valleys were scenic. For all I know, he went to the bar and had someone photoshop the picture, but he swears he hiked there.
He may have hiked 6 miles up to Grinnell Glacier, but I staggered out of the car and up a field to take this picture of wildflowers at Many Glacier. Troy will never pick up chicks hiking to glaciers. We want flowers, not hunks of glacial ice.
I hiked to St Mary Falls to prove I was not a total loser. It is beautiful. I sat on the rocks and contemplated tossing Troy over the edge into the roiling waters for taking this picture. If Chaka Khan was a white girl with flaming red hair and she hiked in Glacier National Park, this is what she would probably look like.
Note my awesome hiking pants. They are not quite as cool as Chuck Norris action jeans, but they are close.