The desert is hot

I am a creature of the indoors. I like electricity, running water and fluffy mattresses with 600 thread count sheets. On the list of things I do not like:  sweating, chafing, being eaten alive by sand fleas and long hard hikes up the sides of cliffs. Clearly,  a trip to hike in the desert in Utah in June was an excellent plan for a vacation. There are serious flaws to being married to a man with a butt smaller than mine, not the least of which is that he is a) morally superior when skipping up the side of a steep slope and b) is not sweating or chafing in unfortunate locations while skipping up the side of a steep slope. In the abstract, the desert southwest is a great idea for a vacation. Beautiful, sweeping vistas and stark landscapes that inspire awe. In reality, you may be awed, but you will also be sweaty.

I present Delicate Arch for your consideration. Delicate Arch is the state symbol for Utah. It’s on their license plates and it’s really really famous. It seemed like a good idea to hike up to see it. I mean, it’s only 1.5 miles to it, so how bad can it be?

The answer is really really bad. It was hot. Sweat was running down my body and into dark places that did not need watering. I frankly do not enjoy rivulets of sweat running down my ass crack, but maybe it’s just me. Also, I am a white girl with red hair. Imagine the Pillsbury Dough boy with long red hair and you have the idea. Guess what? SPF 45 sunscreen does not do much to help really white girls avoid sun burn. I roasted, even through my shirt. As I roasted, I complained to anyone who would listen that I was also dying a slow, miserable death. I now know exactly what a lobster feels like as it is being cooked in the shell in boiling water, except the lobster was not marched to its death uphill first. Troy did not look like he had even broken a sweat. I really hate him sometimes. The worst was listening to people seeing you on the way back down saying “You’re almost there and it is sooooo worth it.” It makes you feel like a loser if you decide fuck it, I’m heading back to the car and air conditioning. So you soldier on. And at the end, you turn the corner and you see this amazing arch sitting way up high on the side of a slick rock cliff.

Delicate Arch, Arches National park

So yes, it is amazing and I suppose it’s worth it to have seen this sight. (Side note: the little white speck to the left of the arch is Troy to give you a sense of scale. I can’t believe I didn’t rush over and throw him off the edge when I had the chance).

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2 Responses to The desert is hot

  1. Tammy Woods says:

    Laughed my butt off reading this! We just returned from Colorado so I def. understand those hikes and leg burn! Tried to run there as well but really needed an oxygen tank! What a hoot!
    Tammy

  2. Chrissi says:

    Amazing. Just what I needed to remember how much I missed you while you were obviously in hell.

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